Stu: Kids? No. My company and my research are more than enough to deal with. Maybe if I settled down with someone who really wanted it . . .

But that has nothing to do with you! We would be terrible co-parents. Why would you call me out of the blue to ask —

– Jess, are you pregnant.

Jess: Nine weeks along. The timing says it’s yours.

And, Stu, you’re right . . . we would probably be a nightmare as co-parents. But I’ve decided to keep it, and if you do want to be involved, I’m sure we could work out something.

Stu: I — I should probably keep my distance. Keep the kid’s expectations realistic.

Jess: Do you want your name to stay out of it?

Stu: It’s not like that! You tell whoever you want that I’m the father. It’ll blow some of my lawyers’ minds, but if anyone complains too hard, I can always fire them.

And I’ll send money for it — or set up a college fund, throw in a stock portfolio, we can sort out the details with my accountant — if that’s what you want! I know you’re self-reliant, I don’t want to offend —

Jess: Stu, if you try to get out of spending any of your money on your own kid, I’ll sue the pants off you.

Stu: Got it.