Timothy is delivering statistics from Bread for the World, which is an excellent organization, even if its name isn’t as chantable as Everybody Gets A Loaf And A Fish. (Some further analysis from Slacktivist.)

Canned food drives are a mess of inefficiency, for many reasons. Just give your local church/charity/food pantry/whatever some actual money. They’re the experts; they know what they need; and it’s much cheaper and more efficient if you let them handle the purchasing themselves.

This is the beginning of a split-up Omake Week — tune in Friday, then next Monday through Wednesday, for more daily bonus strips!

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Bennett: Welcome back to Definitely Right News with Arthur Bennett! Brought to you by Bucks News. Today’s topic: feeding the poor. What’s the deal with that? Don’t regular meals just cut into the time they could be using to look for jobs? The government needs to get out of this area completely. Churches have programs to deal with this kind of thing, right? I haven’t checked. But I assume they do!

Timothy: Ahem . . .

Hi there! My name is Timothy Mattei. I work for a church. In fact, I’m a coordinator for our Everybody Gets A Loaf And A Fish! program. And there’s one tiny problem with your let-us-handle-all-the-food plan:

Right now, private groups are doing one twenty-fourth of the nutrition assistance in this country. Not half! Not even a tenth! We have four point two percent of this covered. The government is handling the other 95.8%.

We can’t do 24 times as much work! Even if we could, where are we going to get 24 times the money? Are you going to up your charitable donations by 2300%?

Bennett: Uh . . . Sure!

Next time we have a canned goods drive at the office, I’ll bring in 24 cans of peas instead of one!

Timothy: Lord, give me the strength not to hit this man with a fish.