The Zen and the Damaged

Twenty-five hurt/comfort prompts, one canon.

Music: Peter Donnelly, “Say It’s Alright”
Footage: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Emmys, the Rally, A Colbert Christmas, the Legally Prohibited From Appearing On Television Tour
Disclaimer: This is a fair-use transformative work; the original material is not mine.
Watch: YouTube | DailyMotion | MegaUpload (.avi, 5:02, 68.0 MB)

For my round 2 H/C Bingo card. The challenge: work all 25 prompts into a single fill. The thought: with all the painful and/or cracky things “Stephen” goes through, I should be able to meet that challenge entirely with canon footage, right? (The answer: Yes.)

As you might expect, this vid gets a little random. It has a loose narrative, in that Jon and “Stephen” spend the whole thing circling each other while bad things happen to one or both of them; beyond that, it relies on atmosphere and aesthetic to hold together. And by “aesthetic” I mean “gleeful abuse of the crop tool.”

TDS/TCR – I Still Need You by sailorptah

The prompts, in order of appearance:

Homesickness: Snowed in at his cabin, Stephen misses NYC.

Confession in desperate situation: Jon points out that, yes, he does need a permit to do his upcoming Rally. Stephen: *wobble* “Well, I don’t have one.” *wobble* “Can you add me to your permit?”

Poisoning: Knockout blowdart.

Arrest: Stephen hauled off by a SWAT team.

Mindswap: That time a crystal skull switched Jon’s mind with Justin Bieber’s.

Major illness: That time Stephen was barely conscious enough to do his show.

Attacked by a creature: BEAR!

Invisibility: Of course Stephen has his own invisibility cloak.

Heat stroke: Walking out into the middle of the Iraqi desert, in body armor.

Archaic medical treatment: Fixing an intern’s vision with a trained (?) cat.

Taking care of somebody: Jon agrees to share his Rally permit.

Corporal punishment: Stephen mimes spanking.

Drowning: Al Gore teaches Stephen a lesson about global warming.

Hostages: Stephen being flown to an undisclosed location. He promised to do this trip, and they’re not letting him go until he goes through with it.

Caught in a robbery: Stephen gets no votes for President in South Carolina…because he wasn’t allowed to run. Also, he loses an Emmy to Barry Manilow. Call this one a stretch if you like, but as far as I’m concerned, in both cases the man was robbed.

Loss of vision: Post-2008 election, the whole team wonders what it’s going to do in a world without President Bush. Jon shows them the way, leading them out into the blinding sun.

Headaches/migraines: Stephen gives Jon one of these by dragging out Ozzy Ozbourne to interrupt “Peace Train.”

Forced to hurt somebody: Stephen is shouting at Jon for his own good, dammit. He’ll thank him someday.

Brainwashing: Stephen’s proud of being a fear-puppet.

Wild card: broken bones: Sporting his brand-new cast, Stephen hides from a montage of wrist violence.

Eating disorder: Stephen suffers from a critical lack of appreciation for Jon’s latkes. (He has a great game of dreidel with one of them, though.)

Experiments by evil scientists: Mad scientist Jon!

Bullet wounds: Conan shoots Stephen “very near the heart.”

Amnesia: “What are you doing here, Jon?” “…You paged me and said there was an emergency.”

Minor illness: The midwinter blues.

***

Lyrics

Say it’s all right
Let me know that you’re okay now
Say it’s all right tonight
Hold on to me
Even though you’re so far away now
Hold on to me tonight

I need to know
That the magic goes on and on and on
I need to know I must believe
I can’t believe it’s true
I still need you, I still need you
Ah…

Reach out to me
Let me know you’re thinking of me
Reach out to me somehow
Send me a sign
Let me know that you still care now
Send me a sign somehow

I could always count on you
Like the stars that move, the sun to shine on through
I need to know I must believe
I can’t believe it’s true
I still need you, I still need you
Ah…

Faith is being challenged, all this doubt, it’s so confusing
And the feeling that I’m losing’s getting stronger by day…

Say it’s all right
Let me know that you’re okay now
Say it’s all right tonight
Hold on to me
Even though you’re so far away now
Hold on to me tonight

I need to know
That the magic goes on and on and on
I need to know I must believe
I can’t believe it’s true
I still need you, I still need you
Ah…